Well hello there stranger! Long time, no see! You’re looking gorgeous today.
So, I hear you cry, what has been happening in your fabu-crazy world? Well, dear reader, it is a dark tale, of love and loss, deceit and betrayal…
You may notice that, apart from being dastardly appropriate, this bottle of wine is only half-full, or half-empty – depending on your outlook. And for this, there is good reason.
As all good tales begin, there was a princess. Not a royal princess, but a loving, kind and generous lady who was seeking a handsome prince. And she wasn’t bad-looking, to boot. Stylish, one might say. Funny, flawed, loyal and with a slight limp, fantastic boobs, captivating eyes and a fondness for red wine.
So in 12 the months just gone, the princess had been dating. To be specific, she had dated two potential princes, ALMOST dated a third, and then there had been an unfortunate frog-snogging incident. That’s another story, one which perhaps we shall try to forget…
Of the three potential princes, one was handsome, one was rich, and the other just adored her. Surely, dear reader, our princess has found her prince amongst these suitors?
Alas, no. Potential Prince Adoring – well he asked her to change her behaviour, values, and personality and, as hard as she tried, she could never quite please him. Even when she agreed to be his “part-time” princess. Even that was not sufficient. So here we leave our first potential… in the mists of fairytale land. No ghastly wolves, wood-choppers, or wicked witches were involved. Just a failure of acceptance. Such is fairytale life.
Which brings us to Potential Prince Rich. In fairytale terms, the complete package for our eternally-optimistic princess. Ponies, romantic walks in the woods, sparkling gifts and fabulous rumpy-pumpy. But, yet again, alas… after a month with this potential our princess discovers – *shock! horror!* that Potential Prince Rich already has a princess, tucked away in a tower. A different princess who, it transpires, is the best friend of our princess’ ex-boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend! (I know – feel free to take a moment to process that. I did).
Which only leaves Potential Prince Handsome. The most recent and, coincidentally, the youngest suitor in our tale. Potential Prince Handsome was, despite our princess’ protestations about the age-gap, more than persistent in seeking to woo our heroine. So, as good girls are told to do, she took his calls, answered his texts and generally behaved in a princessly manner. Only to discover through the magic of witchcraft (social media) that he was already engaged to be married to a pretty girl, who shall remain nameless…
So, dear reader, what is the moral of this tale? Well, they are multiple. And quite ugly:
1. If it looks like a prince, smells like a prince, and walks and talks like a prince – beware. It STILL may not be a prince. Or, in a metaphor I prefer, “if you hear hooves approaching behind you, don’t assume it’s a horse, for it may in fact be a zebra”. Or a cheating, lying, engaged-to-be-married shit of a man.
2. If you try to date me despite the fact that you ALREADY have a girlfriend / fiancee / wife, then be aware that I will find out and I will tell her.
3. It’s probably OK to have broken the heart of a princess you have never met, in order to save her from marrying the aforementioned cheating, lying, engaged-to-be-married shit of a man. Hopefully she will find a real prince instead.
Oh, and about the frog-snogging incident. Well, I blame copious cocktails and a temporary lack of judgement on the part of the princess. After all, she’s had a rough time recently where men are concerned. And at least she didn’t break anyone’s heart.
Oh, and my darlings, do feel free to SHARE this little ditty with your friends (and enemies) as I feel it is a fairytale that NEEDS to be told.