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There is something vaguely Darwinian about online dating. By which I mean that it is very clear sometimes why a person has not yet found a long-term partner, and the universe is doing its best to ensure that particular person does not reproduce and pass on such an undesirable set of genes.

I’m continually surprised by the level of craziness displayed by some of the chaps who contact me. I thought I would share a couple of recent experiences with you, dear reader, that you may judge for yourself.

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I haven’t edited the following, except where anonymity demands it. Also, it feels somehow important you should know that A) these men contacted me in the first instance, B) we had had no previous contact and C) they are registered and active on a dating website, in order to impress ladies, in the hope of finding a date. Ready, steady, GO!

 

Online dater 1:

Him (in response to a comment on my profile about masculinity): Its all about the ego. and that can be male or female based in whatever body. What I believe your seeing is the female ego expanding back to where it was. Folk have always been spineless. You couldnt handle a real man is the real issue. Know your place woman.

Then… one hour later, after I didn’t reply: Yes I thought that would flummox yer, bloody woman. Its easy to spout yer tripe online eh? You don’t even know what your sayin yer daft cow. Get back in yer box

Me: I’m not flummoxed. I’m baffled by your poor grammar and how rude you are to a complete stranger.

Him: flummoxed means ‘baffled yer bell end , And how rude you are to the world, it must be strange to you, the world and its folk are no stranger to me. And your certainly not complete love. All youve got to state at this point is issues of grammar? Your as spineless as that you complain of yer melon head

 

Online dater 2:

Him: I love your look. We’d look daft though, me a mod geezer, you a vintage chick. Lovely look thoughx

Then… one hour later, after I didn’t reply: A very nice compliment I thought but typical for this site. Its full of ignorant women.

Me: Excuse me?

Him: Doesnt 1 say “excuse me” when 1 cant HEAR what someone has said?

Me: No. One says “pardon” in that situation. One says “excuse me” when one has received an unpleasant and childish message and one wants clarification as to why a person they have never met would be so rude. Perhaps you’d be better off on an anger management website, rather than a dating one, if you are so easily offended.

Him: Ha!!! Youll never find anyone. Thats a cert.

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So, there you go. What have I learned from these purveyors of romance?

1. I will apparently be forever single if I don’t learn to respond to abusive messages in a manner befitting a doormat.

2. The acceptable time between someone sending a message and receiving an answer is exactly 60 minutes, after which it is fair to send something expressing your displeasure in a tone not dissimilar to a toddler having a tantrum.

I should make it clear that these angry young men are, in fact, a minority and that I also receive pleasant, polite, non-abusive messages daily. But, even so, really?! Perhaps if you’ve had any equally unattractive propositions, you’ll share them with me?

x

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